P2P Entry three: One month and counting

February 13, 2010
I had my first retwist on Feb. 6. I washed my locs for the first time on that same day. I was very concerned about the washing process. I watched so many you tube videos hoping to find one that provided some real guidance on washing baby locs. I have to give shout outs to KoKoFemme and Nikkimo75 for their videos. Both gave me some guidance on how to proceed. I also re-read the Nice Dreads book for guidance. The book encouraged washing the scalp for whenever it feels necessary. For me, that would be every three days. I think I would never have locs if I did that. However, I have seen you tube videos with people that washed their newly locked hair everyday. I can’t get with that. I didn’t wash my hair for 4 weeks. I used sea breeze to clean my scalp once a week. For my first wash, I followed Nikkimo75’s video. It worked out just fine. I have pictures to show the results.
My first retwist only took 3 hours. I was surprised at the little buds, or at least I think I have buds. My locs are really frizzy and swollen. I can’t believe the process is going so fast. Some people wait for this stage for months. J I am actually enjoying this journey. It is as if my hair has been patiently waiting on me to get my act together. LOL If I am concerned with anything, it’s my itchy flaky scalp. I have always had a dry, itchy, flaky scalp. But I would just wash more often. During my first stint with natural hair, I would wash my hair everyday and I never had a problem with my scalp. But that just doesn’t seem to be the right thing to do. I imagine I could do that now, but that means I would need to learn how to twist my hair myself. Here’s my dilemma, I don’t believe I will do a good job. Insecurity central. My plan is to continue with the sea breeze this month, and following my second retwist, I will begin to wash my hair twice a month. That’s pretty typically for me. I anticipate that by the 5 month mark, I should feel comfortable washing my hair on a weekly basis. I might try KokoFemme’s stocking cap wash technique for in-between washing, but I am not convinced it will help my scalp. It’s worth a try.
I feel that I am being more patient than I ever expected. I am a little concerned about the thickness of my locs, but overall, I feel that my hair is beautiful just as it is. Sometimes the locs stick up and look a little wild, but overall, they are very subdued. J My locs are revealing a maturity, wisdom, and muted personality, that I don’t think I possess. But maybe my locs are behaving just like me. I know I can be quiet and reserved at times, and I would say that is an accurate description of my locs at this point. Maybe they are just tamed. I mean, I do wrap them up for about 10 hours a night. Maybe I am tamed; controlled so long by the strict expectations of my mother. Maybe I have lost my fierceness and so my hair follows suit. I don’t know, sometimes I feel oppressed by a belief that I am not equipped to be powerful. That it is not for me to lead, to speak out to stand out and stand firm. Sometimes I see this as diginity and grace other times I see it as cowardice. Sometimes as fear. Hmm, in my hair, I mainly see it as silent strength, solidity. But after considering how this relates to how I show up in the world, I wonder. Do I ever just let myself be? I am creating a safe boundary for my hair by wrapping it up at night, but other than that, I just let it be. But when it comes to my presence in the world, perhaps I am caging myself into traps that limit and confine my potential. Maybe I never give myself permission to just be. L That thought just frightens me, because sometimes, I know I can just be blunt, fiery and expansive. I can be a force to be reckoned with. In graduate school, at Georgia, Dr. Phelps, one of my favorite professors, saw this as rigidity. I received her reflection as a negative because for me this aspect of my personality was central. I can be flexible to a point, but there is a point. Don’t cross it or I will fiercely defend my territory, be that an idea, a value, or a rule. But going through the doctoral process, I learned that every rule, idea or value can be stretched. That if you want something enough, you can get around every boundary. That ish enraged me. Because, what about the poor, disadvantaged and working class of America. They live in die by those rules, giving their blood, sweat, tears and lives hoping that if they follow the established structure, they will be rewarded. I learned in a four year period, that life does not operate the way I was taught at home. I learned that I had been caged and to this day, I wonder if I will ever leave that cage. I understand that the door to my cage is open, all I have to do is fly out of it and soar, but my questions are; do I remember how to fly and did I ever even learn how to fly?
Wow, don’t know if that was even related to my hair, but it was inspired by my hair.
Mother/Father God, thank you for this rite of passage. I am honored to be on this journey. I pray that I continue to develop into the woman you anticipated when you created me. I pray to commune with you more and to continue on this path created for me. May I honor your presence in my life choices and may I do your will as I interact with others. Fill my spirit with your goodness, power and love so that I may live this life with abundance, grace, beauty, love and joy. Thank you for your faith in me as I continue through this passage. Thanks God, Thanks God, Thanks God.
And so it is.