January 10, 2010
One day into phase two of my hair journey and I feel good. It took Gloria 7 hours to comb twist my coils. She is an amazing sista still fascinated by natural hair. The time she spend ensuring that my grid was flawless is commendable. I was so nervous about what I would look like when she was done. And in this nervousness, God reveals that this transformation is about so much more than a hair style. God is urging me to “TRUST”. Allow me to explain: I was afraid that my locs would be so short that I would look, what…. dreadful. There’s that word again, I told you I had my own inner dread demons to slay. And I was afraid that people would look at me and think, WTH??? Eventhough, I had a plan. Hey, I waited 12 months before locking to ensure that I had l plenty of kinks and coils to transform, but I didn’t truly trust my decision making process.
Trust is a key part of my struggle to stay on the passage to purpose. Most of my life, I have been distrustful of God’s willingness to love and support me. My distrust shows up in weird areas of my life, not school, but issues surrounding my appearance, my lovability, my confidence, my interpersonal relationships. So, for me it was quite understandable that this issue of trust would show up with the locking process. I estimated that my locs would be anywhere from ½ inch to 1 inch long when Gloria completed the transformation. Sometimes, I can be so foolish. My locks are between 3 and 4 inches long. LOL. My mom and nephew insisted before I locked my hair that I had a lot of hair on my head. They saw in me, something that I could not. I love them, but I couldn’t trust them. Therein lies a core issue for me, my fierce inability to see the truth about myself. My inability to see an accurate representation of myself, is the crux of my life’s dilemma. It keeps me from embracing the goodness life has to offer, it sabotages my opportunities to flourish and confines me to spaces that do not accommodate my potential. And it makes me very sad. I can see the goodness and beauty in so many other people, and when I look at myself, I just see a compilation of mistakes or areas for improvement. Occasionally, I will see something of value, but mostly things that need work. Perhaps, the locking process will allow me to develop the ability to see the truth about me! A simple and powerful avenue for exposing the goodness I often miss.
After Gloria completed my locs, I felt James Brown GOOD. My baby locs were cascading down my crown with sheen and spring. I felt good that I followed through on my goal. I reflected on 2009, the relaxer free year. And I wondered where 2010 would take me and my hair. I have to admit, I was off to a good start and I had the support of some wonderful women. My best friend is locked and a good friend from college is also locked. They are my locked rocks. And they were the first to see pictures since they live 3 and 4 hours from me. They both agree that my locs will be beautiful. (Again, my need for other’s approval showing up.) I guess that approval is something I will always seek.
God, I pray that your will be done as I commit to this passage to purpose. I pray that this passage gives me the ability to see myself the way you see me and that I am able to embrace and express myself without fear or defensiveness.
And so it is.
One day into phase two of my hair journey and I feel good. It took Gloria 7 hours to comb twist my coils. She is an amazing sista still fascinated by natural hair. The time she spend ensuring that my grid was flawless is commendable. I was so nervous about what I would look like when she was done. And in this nervousness, God reveals that this transformation is about so much more than a hair style. God is urging me to “TRUST”. Allow me to explain: I was afraid that my locs would be so short that I would look, what…. dreadful. There’s that word again, I told you I had my own inner dread demons to slay. And I was afraid that people would look at me and think, WTH??? Eventhough, I had a plan. Hey, I waited 12 months before locking to ensure that I had l plenty of kinks and coils to transform, but I didn’t truly trust my decision making process.
Trust is a key part of my struggle to stay on the passage to purpose. Most of my life, I have been distrustful of God’s willingness to love and support me. My distrust shows up in weird areas of my life, not school, but issues surrounding my appearance, my lovability, my confidence, my interpersonal relationships. So, for me it was quite understandable that this issue of trust would show up with the locking process. I estimated that my locs would be anywhere from ½ inch to 1 inch long when Gloria completed the transformation. Sometimes, I can be so foolish. My locks are between 3 and 4 inches long. LOL. My mom and nephew insisted before I locked my hair that I had a lot of hair on my head. They saw in me, something that I could not. I love them, but I couldn’t trust them. Therein lies a core issue for me, my fierce inability to see the truth about myself. My inability to see an accurate representation of myself, is the crux of my life’s dilemma. It keeps me from embracing the goodness life has to offer, it sabotages my opportunities to flourish and confines me to spaces that do not accommodate my potential. And it makes me very sad. I can see the goodness and beauty in so many other people, and when I look at myself, I just see a compilation of mistakes or areas for improvement. Occasionally, I will see something of value, but mostly things that need work. Perhaps, the locking process will allow me to develop the ability to see the truth about me! A simple and powerful avenue for exposing the goodness I often miss.
After Gloria completed my locs, I felt James Brown GOOD. My baby locs were cascading down my crown with sheen and spring. I felt good that I followed through on my goal. I reflected on 2009, the relaxer free year. And I wondered where 2010 would take me and my hair. I have to admit, I was off to a good start and I had the support of some wonderful women. My best friend is locked and a good friend from college is also locked. They are my locked rocks. And they were the first to see pictures since they live 3 and 4 hours from me. They both agree that my locs will be beautiful. (Again, my need for other’s approval showing up.) I guess that approval is something I will always seek.
God, I pray that your will be done as I commit to this passage to purpose. I pray that this passage gives me the ability to see myself the way you see me and that I am able to embrace and express myself without fear or defensiveness.
And so it is.
Monica, you are such an amazing woman. You are a gentle soul, so in touch with your foibles. I love you dearly!
ReplyDeleteCatherine McClarin